We as a society have assigned certain traits instilled in both men and women since the beginning of time. Men are suppose to be strong leaders, in charge, masculine and make all the decisions for the families while women are weak, serve as followers to their husbands and be secondary in life decisions.
Times are changing these days, more women are working and taking a leadership role in todays world while men are increasingly taking on the traditional roles of the women by becoming stay at home dads or helping with domestic duties.
Personally I think the decision of who is in charge of a relationship or family should be not made because of ones gender but be made by who is best suited for the role. Although as of late it is getting more acceptable society still puts a great deal of pressure dictating the traditional roles of both male and females.
Deep down inside me I crave to go against societies expectations of the stereotypical male as being the strong masculine leader who makes all the decisions for the family. It’s not that I can’t do it because I know without a doubt I can and pretty much have all my life until I met the most incredible, beautiful, amazing woman I call my Goddess.
However as much as I desire this secondary role it is so hard to just let go and follow as the same with my Goddess. As much as she wants to be the one in charge and make decisions she has been programed in the traditional role as a woman and house wife.
I have given this so much thought in the past couple years and ask myself these questions nearly daily, So how do we fix this mess we are in? How do I take the submissive role as the traditional “house wife” and how does my wife take on the role as the strong leader who makes the decisions for us and rules the house with authority?
There really is only one way, De-programing and Re-programing.
Can you really teach a old dog new tricks?
The answer is YES! However it does take time, patience and consistency. Behaviors and mindsets are learned behaviors in my opinion that do or can change over time if the core beliefs in someone are already set.
Example: I was brought up to believe that the man should dominate and rule the family and marriage making all the decisions and I have always been that person, however deep down inside I truly do believe a woman can do all these things just as well if not better than the man. I don’t believe that the one making all the rules and decisions should be based solely out of gender, it should be based off which party makes the most rational decisions and the one whos is more level headed if that makes sense. I have an open mind to the woman being in charge therefore the foundation within me is already there, it just needs to be built.
Analogy: Lets say you have a house, the house that sits on the foundation is the persons mindset and personality (basically the way the man lives his life). Re-Programing would be to tear down the house leaving the foundation there and building a new house the way you want it. The same can work with people. I already have that foundation that a woman can lead just as well as any man, however my house is already built and needs to be torn down and rebuilt into the way she wants it.
Tearing down the house = De-programing
Building a new house on the old foundation = Re-programing
The military uses the same philosophy on new recruits entering into the military throughout training camp. It DOES work however it also involves work from both sides.
Back to the house analogy. As I said, I already have that foundation and would actually say my house is all framed due to the fact I have taken on all domestic chores and cooking and do it willingly. However we all know its the upgrades inside a house when the walls are up that really make a home. Same goes with its really what’s inside the person that makes the person.
I think there are a multitude of things that the stereotypical male needs to shred in order for a FLR/Femdom relationship to work long-term.
With the help of his partner I believe (this is my opinion only, every one differs) the male has to be a willing participant and have the desire to shed:
- The mindset of being in charge & savior
- The mindset of “house work (cooking, cleaning, laundry) is women’s work”
- The mindset of machoism or in some ways, some of his masculinity in order to become more docile/softer
- The mindset of being hard/strong all the time and accept and trust his Dominant can do everything as good or better than him
Some things might come natural but I am guessing most do not. We as men might have these desires deep within us and truly want to serve our Dominant however it is so difficult to keep the male tendencies within us when things go wrong or not the way we want it and we get frustrated and say fuck it! I am guilty of this myself!
I do however believe with help from our Dominant these things CAN be buried deep inside us and we can learn how to control these feelings/actions that society deems as being a normal male. However burying these deep and locking them up doesn’t mean we are any less male it just means we are willing to suppress these feelings for the reason of love and admiration of our Dominant in order to please them and make them happy.
Here’s the big thing though, BOTH parties have to be willing participants, have the strong desire to live this life style, be open minded, accept and embrace their new roles and commit and be consistent to all the above, and above all else, TRUST EACH OTHER that this is truly what they want. Without this, it is surely on the destination for failure.
Re-programing isn’t really changing the way one believes for the most part but becoming aware of unwanted habits we have and changing them. Here is where all the work comes in! At first for quite a while it takes a lot of self awareness from both sides to make this work. However, again it takes BOTH sides and sooner or later the changes both hope to happen will become second nature so you don’t always have to be so “self aware” of the changes that we are attempting to accomplish it just becomes “normal”.
Before I move on I want to say, these are my opinions and how I view things however what works for me might be entirely different from other submissive’s. I know what works for me, how I react to different situations and what triggers feelings of submissiveness and keeps me in that mindset. Although some unconventional, there are some things that help me a great deal obtain and keep in a submissive mindset. I also believe that even tough my Goddess may not understand the psychological aspects of some, they are very helpful to me and take little or no effort on her part but mostly a open mind and acceptance.
Everyone has different “triggers/reminders” that help and serve as a reminder of their place beneath their dominant and these triggers in my opinion are essential for reprogramming submissive people. Although me and my Goddess have been doing this for probably 5 years it has been of and on due to life just throwing us curve balls and shit happening. I know I have the desire within me that I want to serve her as her slave for the rest of my life however just because I have that desire it doesn’t mean I am where either one of us wants me to be nor is she and she also has the desire to improve. So here is my desire of my Goddess to reprogram me and I have no doubts if she were to trust me, keep an open mind and be consistent I will be re-programmed and in time it will become normal for both of us.
- She needs to believe and trust me that I do desire and want her to be in charge
- Talk with confidence and authority and mean it
- Tell me what to do, don’t ask, follow through with demands
- Set rules and enforce them
- Hold me accountable i.e. Discipline
- Keep me chaste and deny me
- Be selfish, put herself first before me. By doing this my needs will be met also.
I am married to the most incredible, sexy, smart, amazing women I have ever met and I am so incredibly in love with her and she needs to believe that and trust me.
Unfortunately she is also the type of woman that holds everything in until she explodes. I wish she would track things I do good and bad and just take the time once a week to sit me down and tell me how I am doing. Communication is #1 in alternative relationships like this. This I think is our biggest struggle, I never know what she is thinking. No matter how big or how insignificant I want to know what is on her mind. I cant help or make changes from my side if I don’t know where to make those changes. There is ALWAYS an excuse, lack of time, kids, tired, headache and on and on, I just wish she would make the time once a week sit in her chair in our bedroom with me on the floor before her and go over my behavior with me in private whether good or bad.
Here I guess is the unconventional stuff that helps me gain the submissive mindset and that I would love for my Goddess to do/use on me to re-program me to help me obtain that permanent mindset. Unfortunately I know I NEED to be re-programmed even as much as I desire to serve my Goddess and even though I am married to most amazing, sexy, smart woman I NEED HELP and I can NOT do this on my own.
Although it might be a little work, open mindedness, understanding on her part, I am 100% confident (only because I know myself better than anyone) that in time and with her being consistent I would become that submissive we BOTH desire permanently and it will become the norm for both of us. Once you do things over and over for a long period of time things become the norm especially if it is something you both desire.
Example. I mentioned to her one thing I would like is for her to have me wear panties. At first she thought it really odd and different understand and was reluctant. We bought a couple pairs and she put them in me once and then I never wore them again for months. We again tried and it lasted a few months. I could see she looked at me strange at first when I had them on and was uncomfortable to some degree however a couple years ago I begin wearing them everyday now and now if I would put on a pair of male underwear she gives me that strange look she used to when I first started wearing panties. Plus a look of annoyance lol. Why does she give me those looks now when I put on male underwear………………because it’s NOT the norm anymore. She is used to me in panties everyday.
- Positive reinforcement
Some of us want to know, “What do I get out of this?” Positive reinforcement answers this question. This practice involves the addition of a gratifying experience in reaction to something someone has done. Many adults respond to praise and recognition. If I do something good and receive praise for it, I want to do it more.
2. Negative reinforcement.
One of the toughest things we can do as adults is to punish ourselves. Punishment is a form of behavior modification that discourages the unwanted act by application of an unpleasant stimulus in reaction to the behavior.
For wrong doings I react best to this type of reinforcement, follow through on everything we have agreed on and enforce all commands to me and never let a thing slide. Punish me as soon as possible after transgressions.
- Lock me up every night where appropriate to sleep.
- Continue of course with me wearing panties every day unless I have a doctors appointment or similar.
- As much as you can choose what I will wear for the day.
- Start replacing my clothes with women’s clothes. Such as pants, for every pair of women’s pants I have take a pair of my male pants away. I think in most cases pants, underwear, socks and some shirts can be replaced to where nobody will know the difference but us. Lock all the replaced clothes in trunk.
- Whenever possible mostly during cold months make me wear a bra daily and pantyhose under jeans whenever we go out for dinner or somewhere special for the weekend.
- Lock me up always whenever we are not together. It has a positive mental effect. Although I might appear that I am not bothered with denial I DO want to gain relief I think of it nearly all the time when alone. Locking me up when I am alone takes the question of “Should I masturbate she will never know” out of my head and helps me focus on pleasant thoughts of you and how lucky I am to be owned by such a beautiful, amazing Goddess.
- Whenever you wish, demand me to pleasure you while denying me always except for special occasions or when you are feeling generous. However as much as I love to cum and how amazing it feels do NOT feel guilty no matter how long you choose to deny me.
- Talk to me as your subordinate. Whenever possible in private refer to me as her, she, girl. Require me again whenever possible to refer to you as Ma’am, Mistress, Goddess.
- Give me a weekly allowance and take my cards away to track all purchases I make and have me turn in receipts to account for all money spent. Anything over allowance amount I will have to seek your permission first.
Although some of this is unconventional and against societies norms I do believe all of it can be accomplished and I can be re-programmed to your liking while re-programing yourself. I also know a lot of this is repeat stuff that I have said in past post however I also believe its a good thing to be reminded of things.
The big thing I think that 99% of the people error on is that you just cant say one day I want to be a Domme or slave and wake up the next day and be that person you want to be. Change takes a lot of time, work, patience. We need to put every effort into changing and if you in turn will put every effort you have from your side to helping accomplish the change in your partner, the results of that is a good thing because the positive effect will be you also changing.